Let me just start out by saying: Readers are the bane of my existence. Of most peoples middle-aged existence, I’m guessing. Sooner or later, everyone’s eyes go a little batty and the dreaded day comes when you buy your first pair of readers. This is not a celebratory day like the day you get your first bike or car. It’s the first baby-step on the slippery slope descending into patching, fixing, and bargaining with your body as it starts to rebel against you.
It’s not that I’m against glasses as a rule. In fact, I got my first pair in the fourth grade. Blue stop-sign shaped ones if I remember correctly…(been trying to forget ever since.) Not that I have the right to complain. My poor brother had black glasses with rockets on them, and the kind of earpieces that hook around your ears. Ugh. Oh, and did I mention he is a ginger? Life is hell when you’re a ginger with black rocket glasses with hook -around ears! Bullies have a field day. Plus-(bonus)-My mom made him wear an elastic strap across the back just for giggles. She was worried they would fly off during recess or sports . You had to have gumption to survive back then!
Chuckie Finster from Rugrats…
I graduated from blue stop-signs to wire granny glasses, which were all the rage (always a trendsetter!) And rage I did! Every time I got hit in the face during gym they would bend. Life is one big awkward moment after another when you pair wire glasses with acne, braces, and a white-girl ‘fro. Just sayin’.
By high school, with dreams of drill team looming large, glasses just didn’t cut it anymore. My mom used to throw around an annoying little ditty, “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” (Hmmm….And the award for Mother of the Year goes to:____________)
And so it was that I got contacts.
Fast forward and I now have 40 long years of contact lens expertise under my belt. Since I am old-school and have an astigmatism, I still wear the old-timey rigid gas-permeable type of lenses. So right out of the box you can tell I don’t like change. In fact, I used to like glasses much better back in the day when the glass was actually glass. Then as I became too near-sighted, they got heavier and heavier, and the glass got thicker and thicker. I looked like the stapler guy on Office Space.
So no more glass in glasses, and nowadays they are made out of some funky scratch-proof synthetic material that still manages to somehow scratch.
Since we are genetically blessed, my entire family wears either glasses or contacts. I foolishly thought that once I had graduated to contacts my glasses days were behind me. Then one day it starts. You go to read a label or a text and the letters are indecipherable. Even on font GINORMOUS!
Well, first you’re in denial and just hand everything you can’t read to the nearest youngster, but then reality sets in and you realize it’s that time. Luckily, you can discreetly buy your first readers over-the-counter so to speak, at least till your eyes get so bad they need prescription ones.
So now, I not only have contacts to contend with, I also have to don specs for easy reading. I like to be fashion-forward and think of it as “layering.” (I once tried to fake it and go reader-less, only to find out I couldn’t read the menu, and wound up ordering a mystery meal by pointing at the menu like a monkey. Serves me right) And so I am resigned to readers.
My main beef with readers is the fact that they-(like socks in the Bermuda Triangle known as the dryer)-go missing willy-nilly. I have multiple pairs of readers on hand at any given time and I’m always losing them. And not just one pair-every pair. I even purchase them occasionally in multi-packs but the story always ends the same. I try not to be a vain girl, but I absolutely refuse to wear a granny-chain glasses minder around my neck. My daughter is always threatening me that that day is soon coming. Probably because it’s a daily thing that I’m ranting on about–my long lost readers that were just there a minute ago…
(Velma from Scooby-Doo)
One day I sat down to do the bills- typical-not a pair in site. Drat! Even squinting down to 20/20 I couldn’t focus to see my calculator, computer screen, checkbook-(yup, I still write checks)-or my ledger book. All of my readers had (poof!) disappeared. Not one to be defeated, I remembered that I had bought new sunglass readers for summer. (Ingenious invention for when you want to read outside but need to sport sunglasses. Like a bifocal, the top portion is normal vision and the bottom section readers-but they are sunglasses.)
I rummaged through my purse, Aha! – plunked them on my face, and back to do the books. Other than being a little bit dark they worked like a charm.
Ding Dong! Mailman at the door. He was grumpy as always and giving me a liberal dose of side-eye. 🐝 What bee is in his bonnet now? I thought. Before I could shut the door, I had my answer as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that made me guffaw out loud. Lordy! I’d forgotten I was wearing those stupid sunglass readers indoors! I realized I must have looked like Stevie Wonder signing for that package and sitting at the desk doing paperwork and that really set me off laughing. The mailman, still within earshot, hustled down the walk with an extra spring to his step-no doubt because he thinks I’m losing my mind.
No worries. It’s just me. Being me. Doing what I do best in life. Laughing through it and making a spectacle of myself along the way. Only this time I changed it up and actually wore spectacles when I did! 😎
(Granny Puckett from Hoodwinked)
What we SEE depends mainly on what we LOOK FOR . . .